Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Chronically "Accidentally Late" Parent

When we apply for nanny jobs, families expect us to be upfront and honest about everything...our good traits and our bad. For instance, I always tell families that I'm not a very good cook. I can play princess games and hide-and-seek with the best of them, but put me in front of a stove and I can guarantee a good grilled cheese, but nothing much fancier than that.

I only wish, then, that Family #6 that I worked for had been more 'telling' in our interview. If only the nanny-wanted ad had read: "Two beautiful children, one dog, light housework, chronically late mother." The first three I can handle- the fourth would have turned me away from the job in an instant. I'm not so much referring to the "scheduled lateness" that occurs when a parent asks the nanny ahead of time if he or she can stay late next Wednesday because of a meeting. No, here, I am talking about "accidental lateness." The kind the tired nanny didn't anticipate and the kind that leaves her staring at the clock as the minutes slowly creep by as she wonders why it is so hard to get home everyday at 6:00, as that's what she was promised. It's the kind of late that comes with excuses that briefly apologize and then accentuate how being late was no fault of the parent's. When it happens all the time, it's the most frustrating kind of "late."

Here's the thing: nannies are expected to be punctual. If we are not, any number of things could happen: kids are late for school, important business meetings are missed, the generally peaceful household turns into a chaotic mess...things like that. While this might sound dramatic, any nanny who has ever been late on such a "chaotic" morning can tell you all about the stink-eye that she received and the rushed, perturbed hand-over of the kids that she was given. Parents, understandably, don't appreciate a late nanny. For some reason, the chronically late parent doesn't seem to deem his or her tardiness to be quite as problematic as the nanny's. Let me assure you- it is just as annoying for us. After ten hours of dealing with fussy babies, we aren't very excited when our job spills over into the twelfth hour. Our banks and laundromats are closed. It's too late for grocery shopping. And now, our only option is to go home and go to bed because in nine hours, you need us back here to do it all over again.

One time, while babysitting for Family #6, I was having an awful day. The two little boys kept fighting and would not stop arguing with me about the strict "no-t.v. rule" the parents had recently implemented. I was ready to go home, watch my own t.v. and drink a glass of wine. I needed to relax from the long, stressful day. As 6:00 rolled around, I anxiously eyed the driveway for Mom #6's car to pull in, allowing me to return to my own life for a few hours. At 6:30, I began to guess which "accidental late" excuse I had was coming. "Traffic was terrible!"
"Sorry! My haircut took longer than expected!" I called Mom #6's cell phone; it was dead. I made the boys dinner (an exceptionally good grilled cheese, I might add). At 7:15, I started to get nervous. Should I call the hospital? Surely, nothing but an emergency could make someone an hour and fifteen minutes late with no phone call.

At 8:00, the car I had longed to see pulled into the driveway. I expected to see a cast on a broken bone or a dent in the bumper of the car to signal some sort of acceptable excuse for such tardiness. No, instead I saw five Nordstrom bags. Mom #6 rushed into the house and said:

"Sorry! It was Nordstrom's semi-annual clearance sale and I just lost track of time. Oh, good, you made dinner. Okay, you can go and we'll see you in the morning."

She was shopping. There were no hospital emergencies; just discounted jeans. Job #6 continued in this fashion for a very long time. The list of excuses never failed to surprise me. It wouldn't be quite as annoying if this wasn't the same woman who called my cell phone four times once when I was three minutes late. Can you just imagine if I came to her house one morning at 10:00, instead of my regular 8:00? "I'm so sorry! Macy's was having a great sale and I lost track of the time. Okay, you can go now- have a fantastic day!"

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my GOSH!!! My employers do the SAME thing to be 4 or 5 nights a week. I end up working 60-70 hours in a week, and NEVER get extra money for the extra hours. Last week it was a sale at bloomingdales that kept her from getting home in time so that I could make my doctor's appointment for my broken ankle (that I broke at their house because their dog tripped me, no less!). I have been late ONE time in a whole year of employment and they threatened to "let me go" because it caused chaos in their day. They never seem to consider that them getting home at 8 or 9 causes chaos in my life. I have things I need to do too!

Pati said...

Happen a lot with me and my employers is like see me in this post.

Anonymous said...

I had an employer like that, the mom, no the whole family was chronically late. When I had to attend functions with the family I was embarrassed because we were twenty mins late (min) everytime. But I cant complain to much, I got paid when they parents were late. But still I have a life too.

Anonymous said...

As mom and employer, I think these conditions are absolutely unacceptable, and if you left the house without expressing your feelings to that mom, then you enabled it to continue. However, as a parent I couldn't even dream of not being back home when I said I would...and I miss my children, as crazy as they can be. Ironically, I get a lot of complaints from the nanny/babysitter when I return home "too soon," and they don't get the $$ they need.
Momemployer

Anonymous said...

Wow, I could have left this blog! I thought maybe you were spying on me because i had the EXACT same thing (down to the shopping bags) happen to me. scary...i guess it is good/unfortunate that there are other nannies out there who are in the same situations that I am in

Anonymous said...

As a caregiver I have to keep in mind that I am a human being as well. So, I draw my boundaries. I told the parents honestly and respectfully, that for me is not ok to be late. They have to respect my life and choices as much as i do with them. I asked for the pay for the extra hours and asked them to check in with me ahead of the time when they need extra time from me and see if I can do it or not. Now, I include this request in my interviews. i haven't had the problem ever since.
I think it's important to have your boundaries and make it clear when something gives you trouble.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to whomever thought of starting this blog. My employers whom seemed very nice in the interview had these similar bad habits. At the 2nd meeting where they had to have me take care of their unborn baby took my address and gave me the bus schedule. I was suppose to get to work at 7am. No fault of mine some mornings I did get there at 7:05 with the same and only bus from the schedule they gave. But morning traffic on New Hampshire is a killer. However, as soon as I got in I would hear how late the father is gonna be because of the 5 mins delay start he got. Ok, I get it but my bus can't fly over vehicles. However, every evening especially Thursday where he had to shop for their sabbath shopping he came in no earlier than 5.30. Ok so I let Thursdays slide but what about the other days? Then he's already late but before he come upstairs and relieve me, he chatting with neighbors outside. Hello, you're already late!!!!!!!!!! To make matters worse Friday is payday. Three quarters of the week he forgets that it's Friday so he didn't go to the bank. How can you forget it's Friday you went Kosher shopping yesterday? Then the famous line, Name, you'll get the money on Monday. Anyone would expect their money handed to them 1st thin Monday morning but NO. Then he said, "I'll get your money on my way home this evening." Hey what did you do all weekend? Then Monday evening comes and it's raining but he doesn't come through the doors until 6. Although he's late I shake it off I'm getting my money. Think again!!!!!!! "Oh, Name, I thought you would prefer me coming home so you can get to leave since it's raining so I didn't stop off at the bank." Cn you believe that crap so why are u an hour late again?

Anonymous said...

I think the problems with the parents are the same as the childrens...to them we fall off the face of the planet as soon as we walk out the door. So to them it is not a big deal if we wait 2 hours to do that!! It makes me crazy...I dont ever get excuses though on why they are late I just get a sorry I am late!!

Anonymous said...

The most frustrating thing is when they expect you to just suck it up and be happy no matter how late they are. Like you mentioned, they expect us to be on time, we expect it also! I'm not to sympathetic about traffic either. I know when I have to be at work and I know how the traffic is at that time. I also plan for bridges to be up. I leave accordingly. It's no different for them and I cut no slack.

Anonymous said...

I have read these blogs and I thought to my self how alot of us are having this same chronic late problem. The people I nanny for work in Boston and live in new hampshire.I arrive at 8:00 am on the nose if not five to ten mins earlier. I have not been late even by two mins in five months. However, the two I work for have been cronically late from the begining. They are suppossed to be home between 6:30 and seven, and there have been times when they have gotton home as late as 8:40 without prior asking. I have recived phone calls at 7:15 stating that they are going out for coctails in Boston (an hour away). The girls are two and a half and a year old. They are exhausted and want to see there mom and dad by seven. The two car pool into the city together and work till five thirthy. The nasty thing about this disrespect is that they are no later than seven for the other nannie who works two times a week. If they go out they ask her at 5:30 if it is okay and have only done this twice since she started in November.For me they are almost always late. Though they have been generous with the pay , but only sometimes I get gas money for the many activities that we do and sometimes not. My husband and I have taken out extra insurance on our car for the two girls and I belong to a mothers group in my area so I am able to take them to play groups,classes like "Stranger Danger" and the fire station for tours, as well as princess parties the museaum and numerous activities . Being a mom myself I could never spend that much time away at night especially cuz they always tuck the two year old in bed so the two year old will not let me when it comes to being eight at night, " thats her mothers job" she tells me. My last day is in two weeks and the other nannie has already called me to work beyond my four week notice because the other nannie needs days off and has events she wants to take her daughter too. I am highly insulted that she wants me to work around her and that she is asking me to stay above and beyond my notice.Frankly the two people who pay me (the mom and dad I work for) did not ask me.Like I told the other nannie unless the nanny is paying me than my employees need to ask for that kind of a favor. I am going back to a corporation that has equal oppertunity employment ( the other nanny who works eleven hours makes way more that me) I work more than double those hours. This can be the most unappreciated job that a caring honest and loyal person can fall in. My advice is to make a contract and set boundries before you start. There is no Hr department. This has been a real eye opener.

Anonymous said...

my employers do exactly the same thing, its so frustrating, especially when u have no notice that they are going to be late and your just waiting watching the clock all the time. I end up being late to anything I have planned for the evening, such as meeting up with friends or going for dinner,its so unfair.but there's always some excuse as to why there late, thereclient was late, they couldnt leave a meeting, the traffic was terrible. what if i was to walk out the door wen im supposed to be finished?im pretty sure youd find a way to be home in time then, or would they?!while im here there is one other thing thats driving me mad!the kids i mind are really well behaved with me, they werent when i started but i have set my reasonable rules and they obey them most of the time. but when the paretns come home they completely act up and are let away with it. it drives me mad, the kids know exactly what there doing and know i dont approve of for example having a tantrum over wanting a new ds game, even though id explained that u have three new ones u havnt opened yet, we'll play them and then maybe if your good we can save up pocket money to get a new one, then mom comes home and he says: i want a new ds game now and starts crying, he's 6. so mom consoles him says its ok dont get upset etc he continues to cry while slyly looking at me while mom says she'll get him the game tomorrow. So frustrating, we were working on a reward scheme to get pocket money which mom thaought was a great idea, then they come home and s**t all over it!this happens all nthe time not just the ds game!!its so frustrating cause its these spoiltissues htat cause problems during the day with me and with other children. So much more to vent about but ill stop for now!!
Frustrated dublin nanny!!

Anonymous said...

Your blog posts are funny and so so true.

Anonymous said...

I cannot tell you how many times I have had this & other lame reasons why parents are late! It's rude, disrespectful & above all an asshole move. No matter how upfront & clear I am I always run into this. Recently my boss came home at the correct time 5pm, but then proceeded to explain there was a schedule issue. As usual instead of asking me to work to an unknown time or call me at some point during the day to ask if I could stay late he was hoping I would just volunteer to stay late. I had plans with my husband after work so I declined. He wasn't happy, but I told him had he called ahead of time or had back up outside of me this would not be an issue. Yet if I am 5-10 min late all he'll breaks loose! Yeah that makes sense! People respect is a two way street your nanny respects you give respect back for her hard work.

Shabby Chick said...

So when you decide to come home early you do not pay your nanny her full day she had scheduled for you?